Fade to Nothing
by Chibimom
Summary: SLASH: This time saving Lex is more than Clark can handle alone.


FADE TO NOTHING  
By Chibimom  
  
The usual disclaimers: The characters are not mine. No profit is made here.  
  
Warnings: SLASH  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: R  
  
Pairing: Lex/Clark  
  
Summary: This time saving Lex is more than Clark can handle alone.  
  
******************************  
  
"my sweet, sweet boy...  
  
chubby 10 year old...  
  
bright red curls...  
  
must protect...  
  
from his father..."  
  
"that boy is too emotional!  
  
too fragile...  
  
obsessive...  
  
weak..."  
  
He was exhausted. Smoke seemed to billow out of the treadmill's motor. The clock on the wall showed 12:30 am. Damn. He'd been running at a constant 10 miles an hour for over two hours now. He barely remembered getting on the piece of exercise equipment. The towel around his neck was soaked as were his tee-shirt and shorts. His legs were rubbery and the room seemed to spin as he walked into the shower. The cool spray hit his face and he sat on the corner bench, still dressed.  
  
Lex tried to remember when he started his workout. Must have been around 9pm. After stretching, he went through his weight-training, then worked on the punching bag, then his martial arts moves. He barely remembered getting on the treadmill at 10:30.  
  
It was not like him to lose track of time like that. He pulled off his wet shirt and shorts and stood to soap himself. A warm towel welcomed him as he stepped out of the shower. He dried himself then slipped into a thick lavender terry cloth robe and went downstairs to the entertainment room. The scotch bottle was calling to him, but he settled on a bottle of Ty- Nant. Lex decided he had been consuming too much alcohol lately. Too many empty calories.  
  
The Christmas holidays were over and he had put on a couple of extra pounds with all the parties and sumptuous dinners he'd attended. It seemed like dinner with the Kents had become an every night occurrence and Martha always prepared huge calorie-laden meals for her hard-working farm family. Lex had thought about setting up a trust fund just for Clark's eating habits. The term 'hollow leg' had new meaning when it came to that boy.  
  
Various fruit baskets, smoked turkeys, and fruitcakes which arrived in his office were quickly donated to local food charities. While he appreciated the sentiment, he had no need of such gifts. He did have a weakness for Martha's homemade peanut butter fudge, but even he couldn't eat an entire tray of it.  
  
Lex untied the terry belt and opened his robe. He pinched the scarce inch of extra flesh at his waist and sighed. Draining the blue bottle, he headed upstairs to bed.  
  
***************************  
  
"Dammit Lex!" Lionel spun around and planted his hands on Lex's desk, bending until he was just a few inches from his son's face. "You lost the Pennington account. While you were wallowing in Christmas cheer, neglecting your responsibilities to Luthorcorp, Bruce Wayne snatched the account right from under your nose."  
  
"Don't you think that's just a little dramatic, Dad?" Lex remained expressionless, but sat back in his chair, reinstating a comfortable distance from his father. "That company hasn't produced the profits your accountants projected it would. And since you were loathe to pump the needed funds into it so the robotic prototype could be built, I saw no reason to keep the company."  
  
Lionel stood and paced back and forth while Lex propped his feet up on the desk in a dismissive manner.  
  
"Besides," Lex continued, "One of our subsidiaries is working on a prototype as we speak."  
  
"You'd better hope we beat Wayne to the market, son."  
  
"Or what, Dad?" Lex dropped his feet and stood to face his father.  
  
Lionel just sneered and strode toward the office door. "By the way, Lex, you're fat. Too many indulgences during the holidays?" Lionel slammed the door behind him.  
  
Shit! That had not gone well at all. Lex walked into the private bathroom and checked himself in the full-length mirror. Damn! His father was right, he was fat. The pleats in his tailored slacks were puckered... not lying flat and smooth as they should. And his shirt strained just a bit across his stomach. No problem... no more meals with the Kents for awhile. And no more peanut butter fudge!  
  
********************************  
  
"Lex," Clark said, running his hand down the older man's arm as he sat next to him at a low table. The Talon crowd was noisy with teenagers just released from school on a Friday afternoon.  
  
"Oh, hi Clark," Lex said, leaning slightly into the stealthy touch. "How was school today?"  
  
"Same 'ol, same 'ol." Clark noticed that Lex's cup was empty and the waitresses looked harried. "I'm going to the counter to order. Want a refill? Latte?"  
  
"No, not today. Just black. Thanks." Lex went back to reading the report and tapping his pen on the table.  
  
"That's the same page you were reading when I left to get our drinks." Clark sat the coffee cups on the table and glanced over Lex's papers.  
  
"Hmmm, I guess it is. Can't seem to concentrate right now." Lex looked up. Clark sat on the divan next to Lex, his hips touching the older man's. Lex shivered at the unexpected contact.  
  
"Wonder why? Maybe the noise in here?" Clark smiled knowingly and sipped his coffee.  
  
"Yeah, I guess it is pretty loud." Lex's face flushed at Clark's closeness. "Want to come over for awhile?"  
  
"Okay," Clark said. "I don't have to be home until later. Mom and Dad are going to the Grange meeting tonight and the chores are finished until morning."  
  
"Great." Lex downed his coffee and packed his papers in his leather pouch. "Wanna drive?" He stood shaking his left leg, covertly adjusting himself.  
  
"Which car?" Clark's eyes lit up. "Does it matter?" Lex chuckled, heading for the door, dangling his keychain.  
  
"Nope!" Clark followed him outside to the silver Astin Martin.  
  
****************************  
  
Clark was bored... and hungry. He'd finished his homework 30 minutes ago. Lex was still working on the report he had been reading at the Talon.  
  
"Uhhhmm," Clark cleared his throat, trying to get Lex's attention.  
  
"Yes, Clark?" Lex did not look up from the report.  
  
"Ummm, are you hungry? It's 7:30 and I haven't had dinner." Clark hated asking, but sometimes Lex forgot about meals.  
  
"I think Frances left some food in the refrigerator. I let her have the weekend off. Wanna go see what's there?"  
  
"Sure Lex." Clark bounded out of the chair and down the hall into the kitchen. He found a detailed list of meals that could be microwaved. Plenty to feed an army for the weekend. Frances obviously expected Clark to help Lex with the weekend rations.  
  
He prepared two plates of chicken broccoli casserole with au gratin potatoes. Not exactly what Frances had suggested in her note of menus, but the choices had appealed to Clark. And there was a chocolate cake for dessert. He put the plates on a tray and carried it back into the office.  
  
"Dinner is served." Clark set the tray on the coffee table. He went to the bar and retrieved a bottle of water and a Pepsi out of the mini-fridge. Lex couldn't help but notice the perfect ass perfectly clad in denim as Clark bent to look inside the fridge.  
  
"Lex, come on, food's getting cold." Clark was waiting, but he didn't want to have to heat the plates again.  
  
"Okay." Lex shut of his computer and stacked the papers in his desk tray. He rose and stretched before sitting across the coffee table from Clark. Settling, Lex closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "Smells good."  
  
Clark wasn't sure if Lex meant him or the food.  
  
"Lex, the refrigerator is stuffed. And she left a detailed menu of what goes with what." Clark blushed. "But I picked this out myself. Hope you don't mind."  
  
"No, this will be fine." Lex took a long drink of his water and picked up the TV remote. "Oh, look X-Men is on." "We've seen that on DVD a million times already." Clark grumbled and he stuffed his mouth with casserole.  
  
"Don't whine Clark. I happen to like Patrick Stewart," Lex said picking up his plate.  
  
"Yeah, I forgot you're a Trekkie." Clark teased. Lex must have been a real geek when he was younger.  
  
Lex snorted. "There weren't too many bald heros while I was growing up. Captain Piccard was my idol."  
  
"You had an idol? Lex, he's old!" Clark considered Lex's frown. "Well, he is."  
  
Lex took a bite of potatoes and set his plate on the table. He pulled his legs up under him and turned up the volume. "You're just too young to appreciate his talents."  
  
"I am not!" Clark pouted for a moment. "Aren't you going to eat that?" Clark gazed at the food-laden plate.  
  
"No. I not really that hungry."  
  
"Can I finish your plate?" Clark asked as he reached for Lex's plate.  
  
"You can get more from the kitchen. You don't have to eat my leftovers, Clark."  
  
"That's okay." Clark reached for Lex's uneaten food and finished it in a few bites.  
  
Clark cut himself a large piece of chocolate cake and returned to sit next to Lex on the couch. They watched the movie in comfortable silence; Clark leaning his head on Lex's shoulder. When the credits started to roll, Clark stood and yawned.  
  
"I gotta go, Lex. Thanks for dinner. What are you doing tomorrow?"  
  
"I have to go to Metropolis. A business meeting Dad scheduled, I'm afraid. But I should be home by 4 or 5. I think I'm ready for that re-match at the pool table."  
  
Clark laughed. "I think you let me win the last one, Lex."  
  
"I would never just let you win... You're still attending the company New Year's party with me, aren't you?" Lex asked, helping Clark take the dirty dishes to the kitchen..  
  
"Yeah, sure," Clark hugged Lex, picked up his book-bag and left the mansion.  
  
Lex was on cloud nine. Clark was becoming more touchy-feely every day. Lex never asked for more than Clark freely gave. He loved this boy and would never do anything to jeopardize Clark's friendship. He smiled at the hollow feeling in his stomach and headed to the exercise room.  
  
****************************  
  
"Dad, what did you do?" Lex fumed at the computer screen.  
  
The Daily Planet reported that Luthorcorp was once again in possession of Pennington Robotics. It reported that Lionel Luthor and Bruce Wayne struck a private deal that returned the company to Luthorcorp for an undisclosed amount of money and stock options.  
  
Lex stood and paced angrily around his Metropolis office. How could his father do this to him? His own scientists were so close to producing a prototype. But money would not be diverted to Lex's company while Lionel held Pennington. Father and son were at odds once again.  
  
Lionel pushed open the doors to Lex's office and strode in, his black coat billowing behind him. Lex walked up to Lionel, his hands in his pockets. He made it clear he wanted no physical contact.  
  
"Dad, why?"  
  
"Oh, Lex, don't look so sullen," Lionel smiled and poured himself a brandy. "I reconsidered my earlier decision concerning Pennington and I now feel the time is right to fully fund the project." He sat on the pale cream- colored couch facing Lex's glass and chrome desk.  
  
Lex was seething. "And here I stand with my dick in my hand... my father's fool."  
  
"Now, now Lex. It's not that bad. I don't think you should run Pennington any more. It just wasn't producing. So, just send along your design team and the specs for the prototype. I think it will instill greater confidence in the company if we keep it under the Luthorcorp name. But I must say, your crap factory is doing quite well. Your talents are not wasted there."  
  
Lex's stomach was on fire. He hadn't had breakfast and stomach acid was rising through his esophagus.  
  
"Get out Dad." Lex's face was stoic as he turned on his father.  
  
"No need to get angry Lex. I just did what was best for business." Lionel set his empty snifter on the cocktail table and retrieved his coat. "See you at the plant's New Year's Eve party?"  
  
"I don't remember inviting you. Now get out!"  
  
Lionel grinned maniacally and left the office.  
  
Lex clutched his stomach and sat down hard into the cream-colored chair. He took his cell phone out of his pocket and hit Toby's speed dial number. The stringy-haired physician arrived 15 minutes after Lex called him. His patient was nowhere in sight.  
  
"Yo, Lex, another hangover?" Toby set his bag on the desk and followed the loud retches into the bathroom.  
  
Lex rolled his eyes at Toby. He was on his knees, bent over the porcelain bowl. Bile seemed to be all that was coming up.  
  
"No, my father," Lex croaked, wiping his mouth on his sleeve..  
  
"Ahhhh. The all-in-one sickness." Toby helped Lex out of the bathroom and onto the couch. "You may have the beginnings of an ulcer. Or it could just be acid reflux. You haven't felt like this before?"  
  
"No," Lex answered simply, clutching his stomach.  
  
"We'd need to do an upper G.I. series to be sure..."  
  
"No tests, Toby." Lex was adamant.  
  
"Well, I'll give you something for the dry heaves. You need to eat something... coat your stomach." Toby filled a syringe and stuck it into Lex's arm before he had a chance to protest.  
  
"I'll take it under consideration." Lex pursed his lips tightly.  
  
"I'm ordering your driver to take you home and stick your ass in bed. The injection will make you drowsy."  
  
"Great. Thanks. Help me to the desk and I'll get your payment."  
  
"Don't worry about it. I'll just collect double next time." Toby laughed gently, knowing there would always be a next time. "Remember... rest."  
  
Lex waved his hand dismissing the covert physician.  
  
Lex didn't remember getting into bed or even how he had gotten into the limo for the drive to the penthouse. He was sleepy, but his stomach was calm. A bowl of clear broth and a stack of saltines sat beside him on a bed tray. He sat up and munched on a cracker. The soup was bland, probably per Toby's instructions, but he downed it quickly. Feeling much better, he headed to the shower.  
  
The spray stung in welcome searing needles and Lex slowly washed with a soothing chamomile gel. Once out of the shower, he dried and checked himself in the full-length mirror. He pinched his stomach and frowned. He was fatter today than he was a couple of days ago. Damn! How could that be? Would his tux fit? He didn't want to look overindulgent at the New Year's party. He would be more careful about what he ate for the next two days.  
  
**************************  
  
Lex cursed as he dressed in his bedroom at the castle. His limo was suddenly out of commission and he had to fetch one from Metropolis. He called Clark, to tell him he would be just a little late picking him up.  
  
"Uhh, Lex, I was going to call you," Clark stammered, over the phone.  
  
"What's wrong, Clark?" Lex called to the speaker phone as he straightened his bow-tie.  
  
"I can't go with you." Clark's voice was almost too low to hear.  
  
"What?" Lex moved to the bed and picked up the receiver.  
  
"I think we need to cool it for awhile."  
  
Lex's head spun and his stomach lurched. "Clark, what are you talking about? Did something happen? Did I do something? Did your parents say something?"  
  
"No, Lex... look, ummm, I'm taking Lana to the party. I'm so sorry I waited this long to tell you."  
  
"Clark," Lex suddenly felt better. "I understand... something came up and she needs someone to escort her to the party. No big deal. I'll still see you there."  
  
"No Lex, you don't understand." Clark's voice wavered. "Lana is my date. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you before now."  
  
The bottom fell out of Lex's world. Clark is taking Lana as his date? Wasn't Clark over Lana? He recovered quickly, adjusting his voice. "Oh, okay. Can we talk about this later?"  
  
"There's nothing to talk about, Lex. I finally have a chance with Lana, and I can't not go for this."  
  
"Okay. Well, I'll still see you there." Lex hung up before his voice cracked. Clark had just dumped him for... Wait, maybe he had read far too much into their own relationship than was really there. Obviously Clark had no real feelings for him. The whiny cunt had batted her eyelashes a few times at Clark and he had fallen hook, line, and sinker. Fucking fool!  
  
Lex tore off his bow-tie and poured a three-finger glass of scotch. He called his driver and told him not to hurry... he would be making a very late appearance.  
  
**************************  
  
Lex was drunk. He couldn't tell if the pounding was in his head or on the heavy wooden door to the office. Rolling off the couch, he walked to his office door and unlocked it. Clark stood there, a light dusting of snow melting in his hair. He threw off his suit jacket and followed Lex back into the room.  
  
"Why didn't you go to your party Lex?" Clark stood next to him while he poured himself another drink.  
  
"Why do you care? Didn't you and your date have a good time?" Lex carefully walked behind his desk and sat.  
  
"Lex, your employees were asking about you. They missed you. Gabe tried to call you, but you didn't pick up. Why didn't you go?" Clark moved closer to the desk.  
  
"Did Ms. Lang have a wonderful time?" Lex looked at his watch. "My it's late. Did she put out for you or is her halo too tight?"  
  
Clark clenched his jaw. "Lex I like you a lot. You know I have feelings for you too. But you always said if Lana gave me a chance, I should grab it. That's what I'm doing."  
  
"That's wonderful Clark. Go forth and fuck yourself. And get out of my house."  
  
Clark was obviously angry and hurt, but so was Lex. Clark picked up his jacket and left the room. Lex went to the window and watched Clark pull away in his family's pick-up truck, tears streaming down the boy's face.  
  
***************************  
  
chatter...  
  
just noise...  
  
blackness...  
  
hollow...  
  
bleak...  
  
hungry...  
  
no, just empty...  
  
*************************** "Mr. Luthor?"  
  
Lex looked up to see seven sets of eyes on him. Someone had asked him a question and he hadn't heard. He couldn't even say what he was thinking about. His mind was fuzzy.  
  
"Yes Daniel? I'm sorry, what was your question again?" He sat up straight and addressed the supervisor of distribution.  
  
"Lex, why don't you let me finish the meeting," Gabe Sullivan, the plant manager, said gently. "I think we have what we need from you for now."  
  
"Okay, I do have some quarterly reports to finish up with." Lex took a sip of water. He had no idea what was going on here and was glad Gabe was such a capable plant manager.  
  
Leaving the room, Lex headed to his office. He asked his secretary, Denise, to order him a grilled chicken salad with balsamic vinaigrette on the side. He was still trying to lose those couple of pounds. Lex pulled up a report on his computer and began to read. He couldn't stay focused. Thoughts of Clark with Lana kept coiling through his brain.  
  
What had he done wrong? How could Clark have changed his feelings about him so quickly? Why wouldn't he return Lex's calls? Lex felt hollow inside. Denise delivered the salad and iced tea. Lex picked at the romaine, moved the croutons to one side of the plate and plucked out the curls of Parmesan.  
  
Munching on lettuce, Lex swivelled in his chair to look out the window. Snow was falling over the fields; the Weather Bureau was predicting 2-4 inches over the next 24 hours with winds picking up in the evening. Lex stabbed a cherry tomato and returned to reading the report.  
  
"You didn't eat anything, Lex," Denise admonished as she picked up his uneaten lunch an hour later.  
  
"I'm not really hungry." Lex looked at his watch. "I'm going home, Denise. Go ahead and take the rest of the afternoon off." Lex smiled at her as he took his coat from the closet and walked out of his office.  
  
When he reached the mansion, Lex hit the exercise room. A couple of hours working out should shake the fuzzies out of his brain.  
  
**************************  
  
Lex watched the lights dancing over the writhing bodies in the Club Journey's End. It was the beginning of February and he was taking Victoria out for a night of clubbing. It had been several years since he had made the rounds, but Lionel had insisted. She was only in town for a few days while her father and Lionel worked out a deal. Lex really didn't have anything better to do anyway. He'd lost a little weight and had to have his tailor make him an entire new wardrobe. Mr. Wong went on and on at how great Lex looked in his slimmer body. He agreed when the new clothes arrived. Even Lionel had mentioned that he'd looked better since he had dropped his 'holiday extravagances'.  
  
Victoria told him she thought he was getting too skinny. Hrmmph... nothing he ever did satisfied Vicky, especially since he was no longer interested in her sexually. Lex found it a real chore to keep her entertained and he was glad she would soon be returning to England.  
  
"Hey Lex, looking great. Farmville seems to be agreeing with you!"  
  
"Do you have a new personal trainer?"  
  
"What's your secret?"  
  
Lex lifted kohl-lined eyes in acknowledgment to the complements as he ground his hips to the rhythm of the music. His prominent cheekbones needed no contouring. Black leather hip huggers rested low and his black clingy shirt was unbuttoned, whipping behind him as he danced. Glistening with sweat, pale skin thinly covered defined ribs and jutting hipbones. The effect was a younger, harder looking Luthor heir.  
  
More and more eyes turned on Lex. The barest hint of a smile crossed his lips.  
  
*********************  
  
it's expected...  
  
it's fun...  
  
you can do it...  
  
not everyone can...  
  
pride...  
  
honorable pain...  
  
can't boast...  
  
triumphant each night when you go to bed and know you've won another day's battle...  
  
against hunger...  
  
constant hunger...  
  
don't think so much about the end result...  
  
supreme control...  
  
the little demon calls...  
  
teasing me...  
  
nagging at me...  
  
"don't eat..."  
  
always there...  
  
my only friend...  
  
i honor him with every pound...  
  
banish the demon! "Be gone!"  
  
but I like him...  
  
************************  
  
Lex stood over the toilet puking up the remainder of his lunch. Why in the hell did he think he would be able to eat the salmon? Salmon-very oily fish-BAD. And rice for Christ's sake. He'd eaten too much. Once he'd crossed that line, it didn't matter anymore...  
  
He'd unloaded his desk drawers...  
  
potato chips first... proper layering was important. A 12 ounce bag was sufficient.  
  
then candy... 'candy with substance'... not pure chocolate bars. 4 or 5 caramel nut bars.  
  
A bag of popcorn... popcorn made a good middle layer...  
  
more candy...  
  
finish up with cookies... a whole package of Oreos worked well...  
  
If you didn't layer everything properly, you couldn't get it all up. And if you couldn't get it all up... PANIC! Keep shoving that spoon down your throat until your entire digestive tract ended up in the toilet. Nothing else mattered.  
  
Lex pushed himself away from the toilet and rested against the wall. He drew his knees up to his chest and tried to control his breathing. He felt so much better, relieved even.  
  
He flushed the toilet and rinsed his mouth with mouthwash. Returning to his desk, he noticed a snack-size bag of pretzels peeking out of his bottom drawer, taunting him. Lex kicked the door closed. He felt guilty at his loss of control, but he pushed those thoughts away.  
  
Lex had panicked that morning when he tipped the scales at 138 pounds. He was up 2 pounds from last week. Unacceptable. He had screamed at Frances for sabotaging his diet. Sneaking calorie laden ingredients into his food when he wasn't looking.  
  
"That's it Lex," she said, slamming the pots and pans into the cupboards. "I quit. I won't put up with this anymore. You're starving yourself and I don't understand why. Find yourself a cook who doesn't care."  
  
"Fine! Go! I don't need a cook anyway..." Lex looked around the kitchen, deciding he would be better off without her.  
  
Frances picked up her coat and bag and left. Her lime green VW bug sped away from the employee lot behind the castle.  
  
Then his father called him at the plant to inform him that Plant Number 3's stock was selling $8 less since the day before. Lionel was furious.  
  
"Dad, it's no big deal. I had the flu and couldn't attend the board meeting on Tuesday. Yes, I know I should have been there. Yes, Dad I know it can reflect a lack of confidence..." Lex felt like a 10 year old. One little missed board meeting... "Fine. I'll issue a statement." He terminated the call and flung himself into his desk chair.  
  
Denise brought in his lunch.  
  
"You've been eating at your desk too much lately. You should get out for lunch and get some fresh air." She smiled widely.  
  
"I don't need fresh air. I spent millions on the ventilation system in this shit factory and the air is just fine!" He knew he'd over reacted when Denise's face turned red and she'd mumbled an apology on her way out.  
  
Under the silver lid was a delicious looking poached salmon with jasmine rice and baby brussel sprouts...  
  
Lex began preparing a statement regarding Luthorcorp's stock prices.  
  
*****************************  
  
Martha Kent delivered Lex's latest produce order. She placed the carton on the kitchen counter and looked around for Frances. She walked down the hall and found herself in Lex's office.  
  
"Oh, excuse me Lex, I didn't mean to disturb you. Is Frances about?" Martha smiled brightly.  
  
"Ah, Mrs. Kent. Are you delivering the produce these days? Frances has left my employ." Lex got up and walked over to Martha.  
  
"Left?" Martha asked. She knew Frances had worked for the Luthors forever. What would have made her leave?  
  
"Yes... How's Clark," Lex changed the subject walking Martha back to the kitchen.  
  
"He's fine, Lex. Look, I'm sorry about your fight with Clark."  
  
"Is that what he told you?" Lex laughed. "We didn't fight, Mrs. Kent. You could say he broke his word to me."  
  
"Oh..." Martha seemed surprised. "I didn't realize..."  
  
"Anyway, I'm sure Ms. Lang keeps him busy." Lex picked up an apple and bit into it.  
  
"Lex, he still considers you his friend," Martha's eyes met Lex's and didn't waver. "He told me you won't return his calls."  
  
"I really haven't had the time. Well, nice to talk to you, Mrs. Kent." Lex led Martha to the door. After she reached the truck, he tossed the apple in the trash, along with the rest of the produce.  
  
******************************  
  
eating...  
  
numb...  
  
high as a kite...  
  
better than drugs...  
  
anger...  
  
no, rage...  
  
helpless...  
  
trapped...  
  
to be small...  
  
transparent...  
  
fear...  
  
hate...  
  
guilt for being alive...  
  
don't tell mommy, son...  
  
********************************  
  
Lex walked into the Talon and took a seat in the back corner. Lana approached him with her order pad.  
  
"Lex, you haven't been around in quite awhile. What can I get you?"  
  
"Coffee, black," Lex failed at an attempt to smile. "How's Clark?" He lowered his eyes.  
  
"Clark's fine. He's looking forward to summer. We all are. Glad that summer's here." Lana sat in the chair next to Lex. "We're not dating any more, Lex."  
  
"And this concerns me... how?" Lex looked up keeping his expression neutral.  
  
Lana lowered her eyes. "I think you two should talk."  
  
"The world places too much emphasis on talking," Lex said softly. "Would you get me my coffee please?"  
  
"Uh, sure, Lex." Lana stood and walked toward the order counter.  
  
The large cup of coffee was set down with a thud. The young man who sat down across from Lex folded his large hands on the table.  
  
"You look terrible, Lex"  
  
"Nice to see you too, Clark," Lex said angrily, picking up his coffee cup.  
  
"Mom said you were thin, but you look... gaunt." Clark reached out to touch Lex's silk covered arm and the older man jerked it back.  
  
"Don't touch me," Lex hissed. "You have no right to..."  
  
"What? Care? I never stopped caring, Lex."  
  
"You lost any right to care, Clark. Just... just go."  
  
"Lex, I'm sorry about what happened. I just wanted to see if Lana and I... You always told me if a chance came along to grab it. Well, it did. And we aren't... together now. I think I'm... I don't think I like... umm girls... that way."  
  
"Congratulations, Clark. Go find somewhere else to be gay and leave me alone."  
  
Clark grabbed Lex's arm. It was so thin that Clark felt only bone... no muscle. A small gasp escaped his lips when his hand easily encircled Lex's arm.  
  
"Lex," Clark was desperate. "You're ill... We learned about this in health class. You can't keep this up. You need to see someone... you need help."  
  
"What, Clark? Being slim? Being in control?" Lex's voice rose in pitch. "People envy me, Clark. Envy the way I look. Save your help for someone who needs it."  
  
Lex pulled his arm away from Clark and hurried to the door. Clark followed Lex outside to his Porsche.  
  
"Lex, it doesn't have to do with being thin..."  
  
The Porsche pulled out, leaving Clark, frowning, on the sidewalk.  
  
**************************  
  
eat...  
  
vomit...  
  
eat...  
  
vomit...  
  
never stops...  
  
no one cares...  
  
about me...  
  
i don't care...  
  
about me... who am i...  
  
funny...  
  
razor blades...  
  
why have them...  
  
don't shave...  
  
shiny...  
  
hate...  
  
me...  
  
***********************  
  
I.V. drip. Blood Pressure monitor. Green walls. Hospital. How had he gotten here?  
  
Lex raised his hands and stared at the thick bandages around his wrists. Ahh, he remembered. Botched it didn't he?  
  
Clark walked into Lex's room and sat in one of the visitor chairs. "Hi Lex," he said softly.  
  
"Hi, Clark." Lex replied. "Sorry you had to see this." He raised his bandaged wrists. "I didn't intend to..."  
  
"What? Wake up?" Clark's voice turned angry. "Lex, how could you do this? It was a selfish act. Too many people love you."  
  
Lex cringed inside. He was hoping for some sympathy from his friend . "Who found me?"  
  
"Gabe," Clark said. "He went by your place to check on you. He was concerned. You were missing so much work."  
  
"Oh," Lex sighed. "Sorry he had to see me like that."  
  
"Lex, we all thought we were going to lose you. The doctor said you lost a lot of blood. Said you obviously knew what you were doing... the cuts were vertical and not horizontal."  
  
"Yes, I've had prior practice, Clark." Lex dug deep for his neutral expression.  
  
Clark's face turned ashen. He picked up Lex's hand and stroked the man's pale fingers. Lex looked so fragile against the hospital-green blanket. Clark's heart ached. Lex's pale skin stretched across prominent cheekbones and hollow eye sockets to reveal a deathly skeletal apparition. Lex was not the strong, wiry man Clark used to know. He weighed nothing... and Clark felt responsible. He'd caused Lex to fall over the precipice by breaking up with him. He'd been so foolish, so frivolous. Lana had been what he always thought he wanted. But Clark had made a fool of himself. It only took two weeks to decide that he didn't love her... it was all infatuation.  
  
Dr. Madison entered the room with Lex's chart. He was a young doctor with unruly blond hair and a warm smile.  
  
"It's good to see you awake. How do you feel?"  
  
"Wonderful. I want to go home."  
  
"Not a good idea, Mr. Luthor," Dr. Madison said. "Umm, Mr. Kent, will you leave us for a few minutes?"  
  
"Clark can stay," Lex was becoming irritated. He scooted up in the bed.  
  
"Okay Mr. Luthor. I've scheduled a visit with Dr. Sayed, a psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders. I want you here for a few days. Then we should talk about sending you for inpatient care at a specialty clinic." Dr. Madison checked the I.V. and scribbled in Lex's chart.  
  
"I'm not staying..." Lex began, trying to sit up in the bed.  
  
"I can keep you here, Mr. Luthor. You are a danger to yourself."  
  
"Take this thing out of my arm, or I will rip it out." Lex's eyes narrowed as he started to tear at the tape on his arm.  
  
"Okay, Mr. Luthor. I'll have the nurse take care of it. But you aren't leaving until Dr. Sayed sees you."  
  
Lex swallowed hard, then nodded. "Alright. But he better be here within the hour."  
  
"She, Mr. Luthor. She will be here in 20 minutes. And I insist that Mr. Kent drive you home." Dr. Madison left Lex's room and called for the nurse.  
  
Lex was back in the castle 2 hours later. He suffered through the consultation with Dr. Sayed, rolling his eyes, nodding at the appropriate times, and promising to make a follow-up appointment. He had no intention of seeing the psychiatrist again. As long as he could stay in control, he would be fine.  
  
Frances was back. Words were not spoken between she and Lex. It was as if nothing had ever happened. Frances set about preparing some soup and sandwiches.  
  
Clark wanted to spend the night, but Lex wouldn't hear of it. Clark called as soon as he got home.  
  
"You need someone there... in case you need something." Lex heard Martha prompting the boy in the background. Great two against one, Lex thought.  
  
"I don't need babysitting, Clark" Lex sipped on a cup of soup, his bandaged wrists at odds with his words. "Besides, Frances is here. She can get me anything I need."  
  
The library door flew open and Lionel stood, dramatically, in the doorway. His jaw was set... his eyes burning like the earthly demon that he was.  
  
"Ummm, Clark, I have to go." He switched off the phone and sat his cup of soup on the coffee table.  
  
Lionel's eyes never left his son's. He walked over to Lex and dragged him up off the sofa by the front of his shirt. Before Lex could say a word, Lionel backhanded him across the face. Lex ended up in a heap on the floor.  
  
"Nice to see you too, Dad." Lex wiped a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth with his bandaged wrist. He didn't move from the floor.  
  
"How dare you embarrass me, Lex!" He reached for Lex, pulling him off the floor. He held up Lex's left arm and stared at the bandage. "Your little prank is all over the papers."  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't give you any warning, Dad, but I wasn't thinking about you at the time." Lex tried to wrest his arm away from his father.  
  
Lionel backhanded him again. This time he left Lex sprawled on the floor.  
  
"You're weak, Lex." Lionel turned to leave, then turned back to Lex. "You start eating, or I will sign you into a hospital and throw away the key. And no more theatrics!" He was out the door without waiting for a response from his son.  
  
************************  
  
Lying flat in bed, Lex's long pale fingers eased themselves across a thin torso searching for bones... outlining each one. He felt giddy tracing his right clavicle and sternum counting each rib, dipping into a hollow abdomen. Hip bones jutting out nicely.  
  
Lex asked Mr. Wong to come by and take new measurements. His clothes were hanging on him again and he needed another new wardrobe. Mr. Wong would go on and on about being too thin, and Lex would brim with pride. If Wong got too obnoxious, he would find a new tailor. "Lex, you up there?" Clark called from the entryway below.  
  
Shit! Lex jumped out of bed and pulled on some sweats. The bulky clothes helped hide his body. He was tired of being told he was too thin. He had to hide it now.  
  
"Yes, Clark. I'll be right down." Lex headed downstairs.  
  
At the bottom of the stairs, Clark caught Lex in a big bear hug. "I'm so glad you're okay." The boy buried his face under Lex's chin.  
  
"Hey Clark," Lex said, relaxing in the boy's embrace. He looked up into wide hazel eyes. "What's going on?"  
  
"Nothing. I just don't want to lose you, Lex."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere," Lex whispered. "Com'on. Let's play some pool."  
  
Lex racked up the balls while Clark studied his friend. God! Lex must weigh about 115 pounds now. He looked jaundiced and old. Clark had talked to Dr. Sayed about helping Lex. Lex could only be helped if Lex wanted help. Clark not only felt responsible, but useless as well. Dr. Sayed told him he was not to blame. Anorexia and bulimia have many causes, some taking years to manifest. Support and friendship were important. That, Clark could provide.  
  
Halfway through the game Clark noticed that Lex wasn't concentrating. He was missing his shots.  
  
"Hey Lex, I'm going to win if you don't pay attention." Clark smiled and put his hand on Lex's shoulder.  
  
"If you don't like the way I'm playing, Clark, go home." Lex's anger came out of left field.  
  
"Lex, I didn't mean anything by it." Clark back-peddled quickly.  
  
"Right. Go home Clark." Lex threw his pool cue across the room and headed to the bar. His back toward Clark, he poured some scotch into a glass.  
  
Clark didn't know how to handle his friend's unfounded anger. He walked over to him and tried to find something to say, but couldn't.  
  
"Clark, go home." Lex's voice was softer this time. "My tailor will be here any time now. Call me later, okay?"  
  
"Sure, Lex." Clark turned and left, his head hanging.  
  
Lex watched him leave. He felt empty. Clark was only trying to help. Fuck! He didn't need any help. Why couldn't everyone see that he was in the best shape he'd ever been in? Both mentally and physically. He could run 10 miles on the treadmill. He could swim lap after lap. He couldn't lift as much weight as he once could. But hell, he did more repetitions...  
  
*************************************  
  
"You're fired!" Lex screamed. "You can't come here and tell me how to live my life."  
  
"You're not living, Lex... you're dying. Slowly, but surely. Look at you... you're a skeleton!"  
  
"With what I pay you, you should just stick to making clothes! Now leave!"  
  
Mr. Wong picked up his case of swatches and measuring tapes and walked out. "Go ahead! Find someone else!"  
  
Lex threw himself on the couch. No one understood. He would have to isolate himself from those who tried to sabotage him.  
  
*************************************  
  
no control...  
  
anger...  
  
hate...  
  
popcorn...  
  
potato chips...  
  
don't even like potato chips...  
  
candy...  
  
i'm so bad...  
  
donuts...  
  
hate myself...  
  
vanilla wafers...  
  
eat this you son of a bitch!  
  
ben & jerry's... the spoon again...  
  
hate even more...  
  
Frances made pie...  
  
bitch...  
  
afraid of gaining...  
  
no, afraid of being alone...  
  
******************************  
  
Summer turned to Fall and the Kansas weather was cool and crisp. A few leaves blew into the opening of Clark's 'Fortress of Solitude'. Clark was worried. He hadn't seen Lex in a couple of weeks; the older man kept finding excuses to keep the boy away. But he would talk to Clark on the phone.  
  
Tonight, Clark couldn't get Lex to answer his cell phone and he panicked. He zipped out of the barn and ran through the empty field to Lex's castle. The front door was locked, but Clark forced his way in. Using his x-ray vision, he spotted Lex upstairs in his bedroom. Clark super-sped upstairs and found Lex on the floor.  
  
Damn, Lex must have passed out! His breathing was so shallow. Clark lifted his friend and laid him on the bed. The man was shivering and Clark grabbed a down comforter from the room's linen closet. Clark then dialed 9- 1-1. The ambulance would be there in a few minutes.  
  
"Lex." Clark stroked the older man's face. "Wake up, Lex."  
  
Lex moaned and his eyes fluttered. "Clark? Why are you here?"  
  
"You didn't answer your phone. I was worried. You passed out Lex... an ambulance is on its way."  
  
"Shit." Lex tried to sit up. "I'm fine Clark. I don't need an ambulance. Just some orange juice or something. Call them back and tell them not to come."  
  
"I can't do that. You need to be in the hospital where they can give you IV fluids." Clark picked up his friend's hand. "Lex, you're killing yourself. I won't let that happen." Clark kissed Lex's hand. "I love you, Lex. I want to help you."  
  
"You say that, but..." Lex had his heart hidden away so deep, he didn't think it could be found. "Clark... I ..."  
  
Clark wrapped his arms around Lex and pulled him close, kissing the top of his skull. Lex felt so fragile and Clark had to exercise extreme caution not to hurt his friend.  
  
"Don't let me go, Clark." Lex searched deep inside. His heart was still there, but it would take a lot to exhume it.  
  
"Never Lex. I'll never let you go." Clark tucked Lex's head under his chin.  
  
They heard the ambulance sirens outside and Frances led the paramedics upstairs to Lex's bedroom. They had to wrestle Lex out of Clark's arms in order to examine him and start an IV.  
  
"I'm riding with him to the hospital," Clark said. "I don't want him to be alone."  
  
****************************  
  
After spending a week at Smallville General Hospital, Lex checked himself into a private psychiatric hospital in Metropolis that specialized in eating disorders. Clark had driven him to the hospital.  
  
"Clark, turn around..." Lex panicked in fear. "I can't go through with this. I want to go home." Lex started to hyperventilate.  
  
Clark pulled over to the side of the highway and put his arms around his friend, stroking Lex's back.  
  
"No, Lex... you have to do this." Clark crooned. "I'm going to lose you if you don't." He continued to pet Lex's head and stroke his arms and back through the thin silk tee. Lex's coat had been thrown in the back of the Porsche with Clark's. "But you have to do this for yourself."  
  
"I don't want to live like this anymore," Lex whispered hauntingly. He knew his world was falling apart. "I can't... It is too hard to stay in control. I guess I haven't been in control for quite sometime."  
  
"Let some of it go, Lex." Clark kissed Lex gently on the mouth. "The world won't stop spinning." Clark pulled back to search Lex's eyes. He found doubt clouding the blue-grey depths.  
  
"If it were only that easy, Clark."  
  
"No, Lex, it won't be easy. But I'll be with you... every step of the way. I love you Lex." Clark kissed Lex again, gently pressing his tongue into the older man's mouth. Lex moaned and slid his hand through Clark's hair, and their tongues made love to one another. Finally, Clark pulled back to allow Lex to catch his breath.  
  
"I love you too, Clark. I always have." Lex sat up straight in his seat. "I think we should drive on now."  
  
Clark smiled and took off down the highway.  
  
*****************************  
  
Lex spent 45 days in the private hospital. He wasn't allowed any visitors for the first week. After that, Clark visited every day. Martha and Jonathan also visited once a week. God, I don't want people to see me like this. But, Clark had insisted that his parents were family.  
  
One day, Lionel showed up unexpected. "Well, Lex, I'm surprised that word of this hospital stay hasn't hit the papers." He sat in an upholstered chair in the visiting room. Lex sat opposite him, wringing his hands.  
  
"They're discreet here, Dad," Lex said quietly. "You didn't have to come... I'm actually surprised you did." He glanced around the room. No one was taking undue notice of his well-known father.  
  
"Why Lex, you're my son. I care about your well-being." Lionel actually sounded sincere. "I want you fit and ready to resume control of the Smallville plant. While Gabe does an adequate job, he's not a Luthor."  
  
Lex smiled at his father. While Lionel would never tell his son that he loved him, Lex understood and read the nuances. They talked on for about an hour before Lionel got up to leave.  
  
"You take care, son." Lionel reached out to clumsily hug Lex for a brief moment before leaving the visiting room.  
  
"Bye, Dad," Lex said, following his father to the door.  
  
****************************  
  
Lex gained 24 hard-earned pounds before he was allowed to go home. He and Frances met with the hospital dietician to plan meals and grocery orders. Planning his own meals gave Lex a feeling of control. Clark arrived to drive him home to the castle. Lex was fearful of leaving the comfortable and safe environment the hospital offered. Lex would still meet with Dr. Sayed in Smallville, twice a week for the foreseeable future.  
  
Clark led him inside the mansion and Lex was surprised to find a banner stretched across the hallway in front of Lex's office which said:  
  
"WELCOME HOME LEX"  
  
Gabe, Denise, Frances, the Kents, Lana, Chloe, and Pete, and a couple of Lex's servants cheered and welcomed Lex home. Glasses of fruit punch were handed around. The coffee table was laden with fruit, veggies and low-fat dip... 'safe' snacks for Lex.  
  
Lex was surprised to see his friends gathered for this welcome. He was also embarrassed. It wasn't as if he had been hospitalized with a real illness.  
  
"Thanks everyone for coming," Lex said sheepishly. "I'm sorry to have put you all through so much his past year. I'm going to try my best to live up to your faith in me."  
  
Everyone cheered again and then Lex mingled for a few minutes before Martha began ushering everyone out. Lex was exhausted and thanked Martha as she and Jonathan left.  
  
"Glad they're gone?" Clark asked as he munched on a carrot stick. "You must be really tired."  
  
"I am Clark. But that was so nice of everyone to drop by. Especially since... you know... I didn't have a real sickness.  
  
"Lex," Clark scooted closer to Lex on the couch. "You almost died. I'd say your illness was real."  
  
"You know what I mean," Lex reached out and traced Clark's jaw with his finger.  
  
"No Lex... I don't. You were ill and now you are better. But not cured. I'm here with you, and I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"Can you stay tonight, Clark? I don't want to be alone." Lex hung his head. He wasn't used to being so needy.  
  
"Yes, I can. I can stay the week, as long as I zip home to help Dad with the chores. It's Thanksgiving-week break already."  
  
"Wow." Lex reached for a celery stick and dipped it in the low-fat dressing. "I didn't realize so much time had passed." He regarded the celery with trepidation. "I'm not sure I can do this, Clark. I've already gained so much weight... I feel like a balloon."  
  
"I know, Lex." Clark lifted Lex's sweater up and over his head and outstretched arms. He then led Lex to the full length mirror in the downstairs bathroom and stood beside him, removing his own flannel shirt.  
  
"Look, Lex." Clark slowly ran his hand down his own chest and flat stomach, dipping into his defined abs. Lex gulped at the expanse of heavenly bronzed skin and muscle. Then Clark rubbed his hand across Lex's chest and stomach.  
  
"See?" Clark placed Lex's hand on his own pale skin. "Do you think I'm fat?"  
  
"God, no," Lex exclaimed. "You're perfect. Clark I understand what you're trying to do. But I can't get my mind to accept it."  
  
"I know... I'll just have to keep reminding you until you do." Clark turned to face Lex and leaned in for a kiss. "Let's go upstairs to bed." Clark said, his face flushed with desire. "To sleep." He added.  
  
"Sleep? Hmmmm?" Lex's head fell forward onto Clark's shoulder. "What if I want to do more than sleep?"  
  
"You need to rest, Lex." Clark grinned as he guided Lex upstairs to his bedroom. He placed his precious load on the bed and removed Lex's shoes and sweatpants. Clark undressed to his boxers and slid into bed next to a now sleeping Lex.  
  
"Tomorrow, Lex," Clark whispered. "We'll do more tomorrow."  
  
********************  
  
hate...  
  
no, love...  
  
fear...  
  
stay in control...  
  
must...  
  
give up a little?  
  
friends...  
  
bad food list...  
  
keep the spoon...  
  
fear...  
  
remember the Oreos stashed in...  
  
End  
  
**************************************** Eating disorders, which were once believed to be exclusive to women, are on the rise in men. These diseases kill. If you or a loved one is affected, seek help now. Help is available at schools, clinics, and the Internet.  
  
Nita/Chibimom 


End file.
